10 Kids Movies That Kids
Shouldn’t Watch

Nightmares, awkward questions, and the destruction of movie night are what you get from “kids” movies like Labyrinth, Watership Down, and Rise of the Guardians.

By Eric Alt

Kids Movies Kids Shouldn't Watch

Considering that children don’t routinely create, produce, market, and franchise their own entertainment and have to rely on adults to do it for them, the gray area of what constitutes “kid appropriate” can sometimes darken into an abyss of the eternally screwed-up if you’re not careful. Sometimes those kids movies are amazing… for adults. But choose the wrong flick and rest assured your kid will bring up unwanted questions, inspire unwelcome nightmares, or simply ruin family movie night forever.

RETURN TO OZ (1985)
The Wizard of Oz is, of course, one of the all-time family movie champions, which makes this cracked funhouse mirror/Bizarro sequel all the more disturbing. First of all, they’ve gone and substituted Fairuza Balk for Judy Garland, which is like trying to replace Mr. Rogers with Heath Ledger’s Joker. Secondly, the story begins with Auntie Em taking a terminally depressed Dorothy in for shock therapy treatments. This is somehow seen as not worse than being torn apart by flying monkeys. Show this to your kids as a cautionary tale only: “See? Going away to a fantasyland isn’t all fun and games when reality comes knocking, is it? Now go to bed … or else.”

RISE OF THE GUARDIANS (2012)
Unless for some inexplicable reason you want to ruin every holiday in one fell swoop, best to keep away from Guardians. Christmas carol lyrics like “Jack Frost nipping at your nose” take on a weird flavor when your kid thinks Jack looks like Zac Efron. And let’s not even discuss the “reimagining” of Santa Claus as some kind of Russian mob kingpin with forearm prison tats — “That’s right, son. If you’re good, Vory Claus will bring you lots of presents. If you’re bad, the bratva will make sure to mail your head to your mother and me sometime between now and New Year’s as a warning to your sister.”

TAGS: animation, guy movies, kids movies

 

Post a comment:

Leigh Flynn (Thu, 22 Aug 2013 17:25:23 +0000): Hahaha! This article is a joke... If you're keeping your kids away from all this stuff, they're going to get a HUGE shock when real life catches up to them. Try explaining stuff to them, like what people look like, how many tats they have, what clothes they wear, etc. doesn't matter, as long as they're good people. Suddenly you have children who aren't bothered by a guy with a long beard walking past them on the street. Oh, and before you say that I don't know what I'm talking about; I have four kids that judge people on their actions, not their looks.
Mike Reed (Thu, 22 Aug 2013 17:33:45 +0000): Really???? I couldn't believe that list!! Almost all of those were classics I have loved and watched (with and without my kids) for ages (including my all-time favorite movie Labyrinth)!!! There is nothing that I can remember in any of these movies that kids shouldn't be exposed to. I am 100% with you on the opinion you posted here!
Janet Harding (Sat, 21 Dec 2013 06:33:26 +0000): I found Fantasia pretty scary as a kid.

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