The marketing team at Hasbro is offering Monopoly lovers a chance to vote via Facebook on which of the 12 game pieces to retire, and on what kind of piece should replace it. So far, the wheelbarrow and iron are the pieces that have the best chance of being retired. We don’t have a problem with those choices, but the fact is that all of the pieces could stand an update. When’s the last time you used a thimble, sported a top hat, or took a spin in a car without doors?
Lucky for Hasbro, we did all of the heavy lifting and came up with great replacements for all 12 of the iconic game pieces.
We don’t wear Crocs, but we grudgingly admit tons of people do. And we’re pretty sure the last time someone owned a boot like that, they threw it at a loud cat in a cartoon.
Old: TOP HAT
New: DONALD TRUMP’S HAIR
Listen, the top hat isn’t going to make a comeback just because Lincoln got a bunch of Oscar nods. But Donald Trump’s coif? That’s forever.
New: HAVANESE CRESTED LABRADOODLE PUGGLE MALTIPOO TERRIER
Scotties are soooo 1934. And Havanese Crested Labradoodle Puggle Maltipoo Terriers are, like, totes hot right now.
New: IRON MAN
If the iron were actually a panini press, we’d say keep it. (Only a lunatic would turn down a freshly made panini!) But it’s not, so we vote Iron Man instead.
Old: OLD-TIMEY RACE CAR
New: NASA’S CURIOSITY MARS ROVER
Curiosity would Bigfoot over that doorless roller skate, feed the scraps to Martians, and use the axles as toothpicks.
Old: MONEY BAG
New: SCROOGE MCDUCK
A bag of money in real life = exciting. A bag of money monopoly piece = boring. Plus, Scrooge is wearing a top hat, so you kind of get two pieces for the price of one. Scrooge would love that.
Old: GUY ON A HORSE
Sure, humping a Segway to your yoga class doesn’t look as manly as riding a horse while rustling cattle, but at least the potential for a broken neck is still there.
New: STARBUCKS CUP
Coffee is a $30 billion a year industry, and most Americans can’t live without it. On the other hand, we suspect thimbles exist solely in fairy tales … uh, and in Monopoly games.
New: AR-15 RIFLE
Although people who hate the Constitution would probably bellyache if a law-abiding patriot positioned a loaded canon on his front lawn — read the 2nd Amendment, jerks! — the AR-15 is a little nearer the heart of the current gun-control debate.
The Navy doesn’t even make battleships anymore. Besides, since armed robots will soon be taking over the world and enslaving us, we’re looking to get on their good side.
Manual labor is for losers. Just ask any young person with YOLO on an article of their clothing.
New: BEAT-UP BUS
When was the last time you took the train? Exactly. Monopoly should reflect the true state of public transportation in the country.