12 Ways Barbie Can Make A Comeback
Sales for Barbie dolls have hit the skids. While we don’t play with Barbie (in public, anymore), we know how she can rebound.
By ModernMan Editors
Barbie dolls aren’t selling like they used to. In fact, they haven’t been selling as well for a while now. And that’s bad news for her maker, Mattel Inc. This week it was reported that Mattel’s sales have slipped an overall 24-percent, and some of that burden has to fall on Barb’s narrow shoulders.
The issue Mattel is having with Barbie is crystal clear: After five decades of giving her more than 40 pets (including a panda, lion cub, and zebra), an unstable on-again/off-again relationship, and jobs as an astronaut, doctor, and a Nascar driver (seriously), their well of ideas has dried up. Good thing ours hasn’t. We’ve come up with a handful of guaranteed ways to get Barbie’s sales on track. What are they? We’re so glad you asked …
• Send her to rehab.
• Leak her sex tape with Jem from the Holograms.
• Equip her with a Kung-Fu Grip.
• Alter her ridiculous proportions so that they resemble those of real women … like Kate Upton or Bar Rafaeli or Jessica Simpson (ca. 2005).
• Give her a straight boyfriend. (Ken can still be the gay bestie.)
• Package her riding a My Little Pony; sales to emotionally stunted adult male virgins will skyrocket.
• Two words: Cuter shoes.
• Cast her in a Quentin Tarantino movie.
• Publish photographs of her shopping for pregnancy tests.
• Reveal the fact that she’s managed to stay young all these years because … she’s a vampire!
• She’s 54 years old for god’s sake — start calling her Barbara.