Your musical horizons probably weren’t very broad when you were a kid. Some lame children’s tunes, whatever terrible pop music your older siblings happened to be listening to, and whatever you could sing while burping or play with armpit fart noises. But you also had cartoon theme songs to enjoy. Before watching filthy-rich ducks, meddling hippie detectives, or black-belted turtles do their thing, their accompanying cartoon theme songs were drilled into your little skull on a daily or weekly basis. You may have finally forgotten some of these tunes, but thanks to the Internet, they’re all about to be re-drilled into your somewhat larger skull.
The lyrics of the Duck Tales cartoon theme song tell us that life in Duckberg is like a hurricane — so why the hell would the richest duck in the world live there? Wouldn’t he relocate to a place that wouldn’t put his Number One Dime in constant jeopardy? Let’s hope Disney utilizes better logic with Star Wars Episode VII.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
We accept that a giant talking rat taught four giant talking turtles to be a heroic team of ninjas that fights a man in a razor-sharp outfit made of tin. But we’d like to know how the turtles remain in peak physical condition despite a diet of nothing but pizza. We’re sure Michael Bay will clear that up.
DENVER THE LAST DINOSAUR
Denver can skateboard, play guitar, and pose for photographs. That explains the “he’s my friend” part of the lyrics. But what’s with this “and a whole lot more” business? We’ve got Child Services on speed dial juuuust in case …
Fred must have gotten horrific calluses from slamming on the brakes of his Cadirock Eldorockro … or whatever the hell it was called. He also must have been pissed that he was the star of the show, but his sidekick had the way hotter wife..