Jade | The Hangover (2009)
Well, technically, she’s an escort. And, after a wild night with The Wolf Pack, she married Ed Helms (inheriting a Holocaust ring), and left her son in the same room as a Bengal Tiger.
Pros: Thanks to her heart of gold, she returned the ring, and she understands the importance of breast feeding. In public.
Cons: The “leaving the baby in a room with a jungle cat” is sort of a bad sign. So was coming back for The Hangover III.
Verdict? We’ll take her! Even after popping out a kid, she’s still fit as Tony Horton. And she understands the importance of a wild night out with the dudes.
Ophelia | Trading Places (1983)
Jamie Lee Curtis’ sympathetic Philly hooker is clearly a rare breed. She’s smart enough to know what a T-bill is, and nice enough to let a stuffy rich douche crash on her couch. Plus, her pre-Activia rack is pretty stellar.
Pros: Probably one of JLC’s two sexiest roles (see: True Lies for the other).
Cons: She’s a hooker in 1983 South Philly. Unconfirmed, but we’re pretty sure that’s where and when STDs were invented.
Verdict? We’ll take her! A roll of the dice would set us up with a financially stable, morally sound babe. The lifetime supply of yogurt would be a bonus.