David Beckham has announced that he’s retiring from soccer (okay, okay, “football”) at the end of the current season. Beckham is not the greatest player ever by any stretch of the imagination, but he’s pretty damned good — and he’s undoubtedly one of the most popular players in the history of the sport. That, of course, has a lot to do not only with his play, but also with his handsomeness, marketing savvy, and wife — Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham.

Since David is so doggone photogenic, we decided to run a photo gallery to honor his retirement. And yes, Victoria Beckham may pop up in a few of these shots as well.

DAVID BECKHAM IN BED
What thread count do you think Beckham’s sheets have? A billion?

DAVID BECKHAM WITH A SCARF
It must have been chilly!

DAVID BECKHAM GETTING HANDSY
That’s a penalty, buddy.

DAVID BECKHAM RECLINING
Look at those abs!

DAVID BECKHAM LOOKING ANNOYED
Maybe he doesn’t like purple.

DAVID BECKHAM ON THE TOWN
Darned paparazzi!

DAVID BECKHAM WITH A SIDE PART
Yep, that’s a side part all right.

DAVID BECKHAM IN ST. TROPEZ
Note: That may not actually be St. Tropez. It’s a guess. What are we, French?

DAVID BECKHAM AT AN EVENT
The man does look good in a suit.

DAVID BECKHAM AT A BASKETBALL GAME
Wonder if he’s confused about why everyone is touching the ball with their hands.

Before becoming the host of the daily Christian talk show The 700 Club, televangelist Pat Robertson was a faith healer. That’s right, he cured people with the power of prayer. He even used his persuasive prayer powers to move hurricanes away from his business. Wow, that is totally amaz — wait, that means he moved the hurricanes toward the homes and businesses of others. Hmm, that doesn’t sound very Christian. Well, that must have been an aberration, because … oh. He apparently also lied about the date he got married in an attempt to cover up a child born out of wedlock. Hey, we all make mistakes! It’s just that we don’t then tell people they’re going to hell for making the same mistakes.

Robertson’s most recent un-Christian act was to give married men a pass for cheating on their wives, and to tell wives to stop getting their panties in a bunch about it, to be grateful that their husbands give them money to buy clothes, and to focus on being better homemakers so that they don’t drive their husbands into the arms of strippers in hotel rooms. (Check out the video clip above.)

Man, that must be the stupidest thing Pat Robertson has ever said in his — oh wait never mind it’s not even close:

1. “DUMP YOUR WIFE IF SHE HAS ALZHEIMER’S!”
In sickness and in health? Just a suggestion.

2. “BEATING YOUR WIFE ISN’T AWFUL ALL OF THE TIME!”
It’s simple: Move to Saudi Arabia and you’re in the clear to sock her one when she gets out of line.

3. “GOD TOTES CONFIDES IN ME!”
So if Pat Robertson says God told him that Mitt Romney would be a two-term president, does that mean Robertson is calling God liar? Sure!

4. “IF YOU GO TO SCHOOL AND LEARN THINGS, GOD HATES YOU!”
Water to wine? Water walking? Not going to happen if you keep reading those godforsaken science books.

5. “THAT EARTHQUAKE IN HAITI? IT WAS BECAUSE OF THEIR PACT WITH THE DEVIL!”
No wonder it was a magnitude 6.66.

6. “AMERICA WILL BE DESTROYED BECAUSE GAY MARRIAGE!”
Remember how Jesus preached intolerance?

7. “YOUR HOUSE WAS DESTROYED BY A TORNADO BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T PRAY HARD ENOUGH!”
Better star praying your asses off, Tornado Alley.

8. “POT SHOULD BE LEGALIZED!”
Boy oh boy, what a crazy old … wait, this one actually makes sense.

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An unnamed bidder struck gold at a recent Christie’s auction after shelling out a staggering $1.9 million to decorate his home with a naked painting of Golden Girls star Bea Arthur. Artist John Currin painted the oil-and-canvas masterpiece back in 1991, though we’re not sure where in the world he came up with his name for it: “Bea Arthur Naked.”

You no doubt want to know if that’s what Bea’s golden gals really looked like. We, uh, have no idea. And neither does Currin; he used both his imagination and photos of Bea with her clothes on to make an educated guess.(Judging by her hair, he was recreating Bea when she starred on the ’70s TV show Maude, not when she played Dorothy on The Golden Girls.) Even if it is imagined, this nude of Bea Arthur means you can now see two Golden Girls in the buff; Betty White took some topless glamour shots (seriously) when she was just starting out in Hollywood back in the 1880s. Fingers crossed some racy shots of Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty pop up one of these days.

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Responsible guys arm themselves to protect what’s theirs. Who do you need to protect yourself from, you ask? Marauding bands of children at backyard barbecues, for starters. Also, naughty pets. And don’t forget gaggles of tipsy coeds … who may or may not be at a car wash or pool party. Point is, whatever the dangers you face, you need the right tools if you have any hope of winning your battles. So before summer officially kicks into full swing, we suggest arming yourself with some new aquatic artillery.

WATER WARRIORS COLUSSUS 2 ($18)
Unlike most sequels, this one’s better than the original. Boasting a 74 oz. reservoir, this monster weighs just 6 lbs. when filled, and can shoot a solid stream up to 40 feet through three different nozzles. The most notable new mechanism is its “angle meter,” which tells you if you’re holding the nozzle at the optimum angle for maximum distance and force. To build maximum pressure, give it a good 10 to 12 pumps before squirting (heh heh).

WATER WARRIORS HYDRO CURRENT ($13)
Before stepping onto the battlefield, make sure you’ve loaded this baby with four AA batteries to power its motorized pump system. If you don’t, you’re essentially showing up to a squirt gun fight with a 23 oz. water bottle. However, when the Hydro Current is powered on, it shoots a respectable 25 to 30 feet without requiring a manual primer. Your best bet is to use this in close-range conflicts or as a backup when you need to buy time to refill your Colossus 2. What do you mean we’re taking water gun fights a little too seriously?

“Eating salad” is basically shorthand for healthy healthy, or for going on a diet, or for (we’re guessing) some sort of depraved sex act. So if you’re thinking of trying to lose weight, chances are you’re also thinking about eating more salads. Which is great! Unless you screw up those salads by making them with unhealthy ingredients.

It’s entirely possible. Maybe you’ve heard that some of the salads McDonald’s offers as “healthy” options are actually fattier and/or more caloric than several burgers and other items on their menu. Well, that’s because they’re made with several not-very-good-for-you ingredients. Done right, however, salads can offer with countless nutritional benefits: high fiber, lots of vitamins and minerals and antioxidants, and even plenty of protein. While you’re best off with ingredients that can be grown or picked — onions, peppers, broccoli, avocados, carrots, tomatoes, radishes, cucumbers, asparagus, etc. — you’ll no doubt be extremely tempted to reach for these other five ingredients that can wind up negating all the healthy benefits of your salad.

1. Cheese
A quarter cup of cheese adds about 100 calories to your salad. You may think low-fat or no-fat cheese is much better for you, but it still has calories — plus it’s had plenty of salt and artificial flavors pumped into it. So your best bet is to use normal, full-fat cheese, but to exercise portion control. It sounds counterintuitive, but regular cheese is super satiating and may help you feel fuller longer.

2. Croutons
Croutons are typically made from processed bread and contain virtually no nutritional value. However, they add plenty of fat and calories. While you’re at it, skip the sesame sticks and crispy noodles. A better, healthier substitute would be unsalted walnuts, flax seeds, sunflower seeds, or chopped bell peppers. You’ll still get the crunch, but you won’t get the 100 calories per half cup like you get with croutons.

3. Bacon
People will not shut the hell up about bacon. Yes, it’s delicious and it has its place — on burgers, next to eggs, etc. But maniacs want to put it everywhere, including on their penises (seriously, there are bacon condoms) and, of course, on salads. Now, we’re not saying bacon doesn’t have any place on a salad; it’s a traditional ingredient in a Cobb, for instance. But adding bacon to your greens also adds fat, calories, salt, and preservatives; tust 2 tablespoons of bacon bits come with 50 calories and 2 grams of fat. So use them sparingly.

4. Fatty salad dressing
Ranch, blue cheese, and creamy Italian dressings all taste amazing, but they’re typically loaded with calories, sugar, and fat. Ranch, for example, has about 146 calories and 15 grams of fat per two tablespoons. So when you douse your salad with dressing, you’re counterbalancing any health benefits. If you’re dining out, request a low-fat dressing and/or ask for it on the side. At home, try making your own; it’s easy. Here’s a recipe for balsamic herb vinaigrette:

• 4 cloves of garlic (minced)
• 3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano leaves or 1 tablespoon fresh oregano (minced)
• 1 teaspoon dried thyme leaves or 1 tablespoon fresh thyme (minced)
• 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
• 1 teaspoon black pepper

Whisk it all together. Drizzle on salad.

5. Fried … anything
Adding grilled chicken on your salad ups the protein content; adding fried chicken strips or other fried foods adds more salt and calories, and can often cause inflammation in the body (from the oils used). And since the vast majority of Americans take in way more than the 1,000 mg of sodium that is recommended by the USDA, leave the salt-packed processed and cured meats out as well.

Public service announcements (PSAs) are created to help educate people on the dangers of things like drinking heavily, having unprotected sex, or going to karate class while high on the pot. The trouble is, some ads fail miserably. Whether the message is muddled, inadvertently funny, or involves some lady giving permission to masturbate (you’ll see what we mean), most PSAs raise more snickers than awareness. See for yourself …

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY … WITH BRISTOL PALIN & THE SITUATION
Casting infuriating no-talents like Bristol Palin and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino already sets the stage for a rebellion against the forthcoming message. Add dropping the word “situation” close to 20 times and viewers are ready to grab their pitchforks, riot, and then scour every bizarre dating site on the internet to find partners who want to engage in unsanitary condomless sex.

C-3PO and R2-D2 DON’T WANT YOU TO SMOKE
Instead of having two emotionless droids that don’t own lungs, brains, or hearts to warn people about the perils of smoking, why not show the scene from the Mos Eisley Cantina where that drunken asshole gets his arm lopped off to demonstrate the perils of hanging out in shitty bars with drunken skeeves? Also, what does R2-D2 do with that cigarette after he decides not to smoke it? Litter? That’s a fine, goddammit!

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The Length
Generally, in the workplace, men are expected to avoid very long hairstyles. In certain creative fields or in specific companies, the rules might be a bit more lax when it comes to the length. However, for a man who is new to the workplace or who works in a more traditional work environment, it is better to be more moderate when it comes to the length of the hairstyle.

The Style
Bosses also do not want their employees to look as though they just rolled out of bed, and this is especially true in places with consumer interaction. While spending a long time on a hairstyle each day simply is not necessary, men should take the time to make sure that their hair is brushed. If they do choose to style it with gel or hairspray, the look should not be over the top.

Facial Hair
When you go to get a haircut, they probably do some work with your facial hair as well. Find out if any company policies exist on how your facial hair may look in the workplace. If no rules are provided, you should just make sure that you look neat and tidy on a regular basis.

Business haircuts for men should be neat, appropriate, and regularly maintained.

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If you’re looking for a multivitamin, the best for older men is Centrum Silver Men 50+. This multivitamin provides the complete spectrum of vitamins and minerals, including folic acid, Vitamin B6 and Vitamin B12, which all work to support heart health. It also contains lutein, Vitamin A, Vitamin C and Vitamin E, all of which promote healthy eyesight, and it additionally supports colon health by providing adequate amounts of Calcium, Vitamin D and antioxidants. Finally, it contains essential vitamins and minerals to help boost immunity and energy levels, which men of all ages could use.

This is no Flintstones chewable vitamin: Although some may have been chomping on those tasty little guys well into their 20s or 30s, hopefully they have taken the official plunge into adulthood by the time they hit 50 and realize that their bodies have different needs. Age 50 is the perfect time to start thinking about heart health, colon health, eye health and overall vitality and well-being. Centrum Silver Men’s 50+ is the best vitamin for men over 50 who want that added vitamin boost to maintain optimum health.

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Speedo Briefs
Hang on, hear us out. We know that you’re not aiming to look like a European porn star (is that presumptuous?), but if you can pull it off, Speedos are really a great buy. They offer faster, full range of motion in the water and can also help you to get the best tan, short of a nude beach. And you also don’t have to worry about being soaking wet for an hour after you get on dry land.

Speedo Swimsuit Trunks
You still get much of the speed you will with the briefs only slightly less freedom of movement. They’re still a fantastic choice if you’re a little shy about the more…daring version.

Speedo Boardshorts
These are a nice option if you want to hang around outside of the water. They are normal-looking enough to chat with girls or have a drink with your buddies without having to worry about funny stares. They’re longer than the traditional trunks, so they are closer to the kind of shorts you might wear in everyday life. Though they are not that great for strong swimming expeditions, fashion-wise they get an A-plus.

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