How To Choose The Bestest Christmas Tree Ever

Buy the wrong Christmas tree and you’ll be opening gifts under an emaciated stick on December 25. Thankfully some egghead mathematician decided to give his protractor and Texas Instrument calculator a break so he could help the Santa-fearing public pick the out perfect tree to suit their needs.

Also: Video: 15 amazing uses for your old Christmas tree.

Dr. Gordon Hunter — based in Kingston University’s Faculty of Science, Engineering and Computing — created what’s been called a Christmas decision tree infographic. To us, it looks like a basic flow chart with some pictures that aren’t perplexing math symbols like := or φ. Anyway, semantics …

If you want to know what the words are on the bottom of the graphic — what, you can’t read 1.5 font size? — here are the CliffsNotes:

It’s lean, it’s real, and it smells oh-so-citrusy fresh!

A real, dark-green and soft-leaved Christmas tree that’s big and bushy (heh heh) but doesn’t smell particularly “Christmassy.”

A big, fluffy, and pleasantly odorous tree perfect for those who have no self-control for saying no to strands of lights, garland, or ornaments.

Take everything from the previous three options but you aren’t one for decorating, this is your pick; it’s commonly referred to as the classic, traditional Christmas tree.

You are a soulless jerk who hates presents. Display one of these and expect a large surprise on your windshield courtesy of Rudolph.

How To Choose The Bestest Christmas Tree Ever