How To Choose The Bestest Christmas Tree Ever

Tips For Picking Your Christmas Tree

Buy the wrong Christmas tree and you’ll be opening gifts under an emaciated stick on December 25. Not only will children be heartbroken by your inability to take care of a tree, but we’ve also heard that Santa can be a total dick and swap cool gifts for nasty lumps of coal for jerks that refuse to water trees. Thankfully some egghead mathematician decided to give his protractor and Texas Instrument calculator a break so he could help the Santa-fearing public pick the out perfect tree to suit their needs. It’s truly a Christmas miracle!

Dr. Gordon Hunter — based in Kingston University’s Faculty of Science, Engineering, and Computing — created what’s been called a Christmas decision tree infographic. Evidently, he put some massive effort into it. But to us, all of his hard work ended up looking like an elementary flow chart with some pictures that aren’t perplexing math symbols like := or φ. Anyway, semantics …

If you want to know what the words are on the bottom of Hunter’s graphic — what, you can’t read 1.5 font size? — here are the CliffsNotes:

FRASER FIR

It’s lean, it’s real, and it smells oh-so-citrusy fresh!

NORDMAN FIR

A real, dark-green and soft-leaved Christmas tree that’s big and bushy (heh heh) but doesn’t smell particularly “Christmassy.” So you’re basically half-assing it.

BLUE SPRUCE

A big, fluffy, and pleasantly odorous tree perfect for those who have no self-control for saying no to strands of lights, garland, or ornaments.

NORWAY SPRUCE

Take everything from the previous three options but you aren’t one for decorating, this is your pick; it’s commonly referred to as the classic, traditional Christmas tree.

ARTIFICIAL TREE

You are a soulless prick who hates presents and says “humbug!” at least 237 times each holiday season. Display one of these and expect a large surprise on your windshield courtesy of Rudolph.

How To Choose The Bestest Christmas Tree Ever