’80s Wrestlers We Hope Don’t
Have Sex Tapes
Hulk Hogan’s sex tape is bad … for him. But it could have been worse … for us. Just imagine if old footage of Andre the Giant getting laid had been released.
By Zack Zeigler
Hulk Hogan has a sex tape out that was secretly recorded six years ago and released without his consent. And we feel bad for the Hulkster because of that … but we’ll admit to watching a few frames. For those who need a visual, shut your eyes and picture an old dehydrated baked potato sporting bleach blonde hair extensions waddling into a bed with what looks to be a real live human female. (Her name is Heather Clem, who at the time was a then-married Hogan’s close friend’s wife.) From there you can probably piece together what happened. (Hint: S.E.X.)
After we shut down our computers and squirted disinfectant into our eyes, we realized it could have been worse. Not for Hogan — he might never live down that video. We meant for us. As strange as it was to see Hulkamania running wild, it would have been even stranger for us had it been one of these five pro wrestlers from the 1980s. And yes, we know a couple of the dudes on our list have gone on to that big wrestling ring in the sky, but remember that was old footage of Hogan, so you never know …
JAKE “THE SNAKE” ROBERTS
We’re deathly afraid of snakes — particularly the one-eyed trouser variety.
Possible film title: Jake’s Jock and the Serpent’s Surprise
ANDRE THE GIANT
We can only understand every fourth word Mr. The Giant says. And we refuse to wach porn with subtitles.
Possible film title: The Giant Makes A Giant Hole
We’re just not that into S&M.
Possible film title: Big, Bossy, and Bareback
We like to work for our dick jokes; a guy dressed like a giant cock makes things way to easy.
Possible film title: Cock A Doodle Does Her … Twice
We wouldn’t watch his sex tape out of principle, and it has nothing to do with his constant use of racial slurs and expletives. It’s that we haven’t forgotten how he used to badmouth Old Glory back in his WWF days. And we never will. USA! USA! USA! (FYI: This clip is NSFW … nor is it safe for people who are easily offended.)
Possible film title: The Sheik’s 4-Inch Peak