Since negotiators still haven’t figured out a new collective bargaining agreement that’ll help divy up gajillions of dollars between NFL players and owners, the players are preparing for the possibility that they won’t have jobs this year.
And the NFL Players Association is here to help — they released a 64-page booklet full of money-saving tips. According to USA Today, some of the information is sound: how to deal with health insurance, help with refinancing mortgages. But other tips are … tailored very specifically to the needs of professional football players rather than the Average Joe. For instance:
· If you’re at a club, “leave with your wallet and budget intact.” Yes, that’s right: The valuable financial advice here is to take your wallet with you when you go home at night.
· If socializing, do it “with a purpose” that’ll help you with professional networking. Kind of like your parents allowing you to see your friends at school, but grounding you on weekends.
· Say “no” or “not now” to money requests from family and friends. That’s our policy at pretty much all times, actually.
· Don’t “pay friends to perform work that you can easily do.” Sorry, buddy — I’ll no longer require your services as my personal scratcher.
Tips we would have included in the manual? Buy sweatpants with waistbands tight enough to properly secure a handgun, don’t text dick pics, and never go out with Roethlisberger.