Spielberg Lincoln vs. Vampire-Hunting Lincoln

They were both the 16th President of the United States, and they were both in movies this year. But which Abraham Lincoln kicks the most ass?

By ModernMan Editors

Lincoln vs. Vampire Hunter Lincoln

Steven Spielberg’s much-anticipated film Lincoln just opened across the country, and unless you have a Confederate flag thumbtacked to your living room wall and refer to the Civil War as “The War of Northern Aggression,” chances are you admire President Abraham Lincoln. In fact, our 16th president has achieved mythic status as the man who freed the slaves, preserved the Union during the Civil War, and battled vampires in a revenge-tainted 19th-Century blood-orgy.

Wait, sorry — apparently that only happened in this year’s box-office flop Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. In Spielberg’s “factually accurate” version of events, there are no vampires. Instead, it’s just Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln telling folksy stories and getting the 13th Amendment passed. So despite the fact that both Lincolns have excellent facial hair, they’re different in a wide variety of ways. But which one is better?

NOTABLE QUOTE
Spielberg Lincoln: “What I do say is, that no man is good enough to govern another man, without that other’s consent.”
Vampire Hunting Lincoln: “I shall kill them all!” (Uh, he meant vampires. Not slaves.)
Winner: Vampire-Hunting Lincoln

SCARIEST FOES
Spielberg Lincoln:
Congressmen
Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Vampires
Winner: (Tie)

PROBABLY SMELLED LIKE
Spielberg Lincoln: Wet wool, fresh pine, bottomless sadness
Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Garlic
Winner: Spielberg Lincoln

Lincoln vs Lincoln WinsteadWIFE PORTRAYED BY
Spielberg Lincoln: Sally Field
Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Mary Elizabeth Winstead (left)
Winner: Vampire-Hunting Lincoln

 

 

BIGGEST FEAR
Spielberg Lincoln: Failing to pass the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery
Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Ruining his scarf
Winner: Spielberg Lincoln

NOTABLE ACCESSORY
Spielberg Lincoln: Top hat
Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Killin’ ax
Winner: Vampire-Hunting Lincoln

NOBLY PURSUED
Spielberg Lincoln: Equality for all men
Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Silverware
Winner: Spielberg Lincoln

OFTEN COMPARED TO
Spielberg Lincoln: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt
Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Buffy
Winner: Spielberg Lincoln

The Winner: By a score of, 4-3-1, Spielberg’s Lincoln sucks the life out of Vampire-Hunting Lincoln.

TAGS: Abraham Lincoln, Oscar, Steven Spielberg, vampires

 

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