Spielberg Lincoln vs. Vampire-Hunting Lincoln
Steven Spielberg's much-anticipated film Lincoln just opened across the country, and unless you have a Confederate flag thumbtacked to your living room wall and refer to the Civil War as "The War of Northern Aggression," chances are you admire President Abraham Lincoln. In fact, our 16th president has achieved mythic status as the man who freed the slaves, preserved the Union during the Civil War, and battled vampires in a revenge-tainted 19th-Century blood-orgy. Wait, sorry — apparently that only happened in this year's box-office flop Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. In Spielberg's "factually accurate" version of events, there are no vampires. Instead, it's just Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln telling folksy stories and getting the 13th Amendment passed. So despite the fact that both Lincolns have excellent facial hair, they're different in a wide variety of ways. But which one is better? NOTABLE QUOTE Spielberg Lincoln: "What I do say is, that no man is good enough to govern another man, without that other's consent." Vampire Hunting Lincoln: "I shall kill them all!" (Uh, he meant vampires. Not slaves.) Winner: Vampire-Hunting Lincoln SCARIEST FOES Spielberg Lincoln: Congressmen Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Vampires Winner: (Tie) PROBABLY SMELLED LIKE Spielberg Lincoln: Wet wool, fresh pine, bottomless sadness Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Garlic Winner: Spielberg Lincoln WIFE PORTRAYED BY Spielberg Lincoln: Sally Field Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Mary Elizabeth Winstead (left) Winner: Vampire-Hunting Lincoln BIGGEST FEAR Spielberg Lincoln: Failing to pass the 13th Amendment abolishing slavery Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Ruining his scarf Winner: Spielberg Lincoln NOTABLE ACCESSORY Spielberg Lincoln: Top hat Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Killin' ax Winner: Vampire-Hunting Lincoln NOBLY PURSUED Spielberg Lincoln: Equality for all men Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Silverware Winner: Spielberg Lincoln OFTEN COMPARED TO Spielberg Lincoln: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt Vampire-Hunting Lincoln: Buffy Winner: Spielberg Lincoln The Winner: By a score of, 4-3-1, Spielberg's Lincoln sucks the life out of Vampire-Hunting Lincoln.