Most of the porn you’ll watch in the future may very consist of threesomes: a dude, a woman, and a condom. Newly passed legislation makes condom use mandatory while filming adult movies in Los Angeles — and that includes the San Fernando Valley, which is the nation’s unofficial porn capital. Health officials have hailed the landmark vote, saying it’ll prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases; the multibillion-dollar porn movie industry claims movie sales will go flaccid, and has threatened to relocate.

All of which was just an excuse for us to go looking for the weirdest condoms we could find …

Kamasutra Condoms ($26 for 64)
They tell women that you’re an art lover who is also good about making plans. What a catch!

Occupy Condoms ($12 for 30)
Unfortunately, the wrapper implies that 1. you don’t want to have sex, 2. if you do have sex, you won’t be concerned about her needs, and 3. there’s always a 1 percent chance that she’s going to get preggers. In other words, much like the Occupy movement itself, these could use better packaging.

Even during relatively mild winters, most of us need a hat, boots, a coat, a scarf, and gloves.

All gloves are not created equal, and they all certainly don’t look equal when you’re wearing them. Some are specifically tailored for winter activities like skiing or snowboarding, while others were made to give your hands and fingers the ability to send emails and texts, or even (allegedly) commit horrible, disgusting, inhumane acts of violence. We don’t anticipate you (allegedly) pulling an O.J. Simpson or anything, but if you did — or if you just wanted to work on your car, yard, or look cool while having warm hands — at least one of these six pairs of gloves will do the trick.

For running: Manzella Hatchback ($35)
When it’s cold outside, you may be tempted to move your cardio indoors to treadmills and elliptical machines. And that can be boring. So change things up with an outdoor run once or twice a week, and when you do, you can keep your hands toasty with these Hatchbacks. They have a protective finger hood that can be easily tucked away if the weather is mild; breathable microfleece lining to keep you warm, and a polyurethane film to deflect wind.

For the slopes: The North Face Snoborg ($110)
The Snoborgs will finally enable you to nail a front-side double cork 180 … okay, that’s not true. But they’ll keep your fingers cozy and make you look kinda like a Storm Trooper while you’re hurtling toward your possible death. With a unique five-dimensional fit, the Snoborg is anatomically designed to flex with your movements. And water-resistant goat leather and a super soft brushed microfleece make these way more comfortable than any Empire-issued gear.

Here’s all you really need to know about wearing cologne: Most guys who wear it wear way too much. And you shouldn’t be one of those guys.

Beyond that, finding the best cologne for you depends a lot on your preferences, your lady’s preferences, and how your body chemistry reacts to different scents. (It’s why you’re supposed to spray it on yourself instead of just into the air when you’re shopping.) So if you want to stop smelling like you and start smelling like you only better, we don’t think you can go wrong with any of these six scents, which we think are some of the best colognes for men.

MOONSHINE GENTLEMEN’S COLOGNE ($72 for 3.4 oz)
Booze-scented colognes with traces of whiskey, cognac, absinthe, and beer have been around for awhile, but Moonshine is billed as “a gentleman’s cologne” that won’t leave you smelling like distilled corn. The makers filled the TSA-friendly bottle with notes of tobacco, black pepper, leather, gin, patchouli, and juniper. Individually read aloud, the combo might sound suspect, but they combine for a solid fresh scent. Also, bottle each arrives in its own tiny wooden crate and burlap travel sack.

ODIN EAU DE TOILETTE 06 AMANU ($125 for 3.4 oz)
You may not act like an adult, but Amanu can at least help you smell like one. It relies on grown-up herbaceous notes like green galbanum (a tree resin) and light florals from cedarleaf and jasmine sambac. What does that mean? Well, it’s not too strong, but it’s strong enough to get you noticed.

Guys want winter boots that look cool, last longer than one season, and keep snow, slush, and reindeer urine away from their socks. With those things in mind, we found a variety of boot styles that cover everything from hiking and hunting to snowboarding and skiing to stylishly posing atop a bearskin rug. And unless you’re spending the next several months hunting Yeti in the Himalayas, these winter boots should have no problem holding up for years to come.

For Hiking: Keen Brixen Mid ($120)
Getting outdoors during the winter can help ward off cabin fever, add some color to your skin, and prevent your Xbox from bursting into flames during your 137th straight hour of Skyrim. Whether you’re hiking up mountains like Rocky in Rocky IV or just strolling down an unplowed street, consider waterproof Brixen Mid boots. They feature an ice-traction rubber outsole for control in the snow, plus patented insulation and a TPU stability shank and shellback heel for maximum support. And if you’re only wearing them at the lodge, go with a pair of flannel-lined jeans and long sleeves.

AP Series VX Rucksack ($280)

Randolph Engineering Aviator Sunglasses ($110)
You need a quality pair of sunglasses no matter what season it is. So quit buying throwaway shades that don’t adequately protect your eyes anyway, and get a pair of RE Aviator Sunglasses. RE has been supplying the Department of Defense with shades for 30 years, so if their aviators are good enough for actual aviators, they’re good enough for you. They block nearly all of the sun’s ultraviolet rays, come with a limited warranty on parts, and make you look like you’re more than comfortable spending time on the highway to the danger zone.

If this kind of casual shoe is missing from your closet, at least one of these models can help fill that void.

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Onitsuka Tiger Ultimate 81 by Asics ($65)
The Ultimate 81 by Asics is a lightweight sneaker versatile enough to blend in at a quick-paced office or a casual meet up for drinks. Wear with a pair of jeans and a button-down shirt. And if the date totally blows, the EVA midsole and rubber outsole will provide enough traction and support to burn by the maître-D stand if you decide to make a break for it.

It’s tough for men to carry stuff. Tiny man purses are a no-no, and bulging pockets both slow you down and make you look like either a pervert or a woman-hipped freak.

So for most guys, a solid messenger bag is the answer. And while security is important — you need something that’s going to protect your stuff from both the elements and your own clumsiness — it’s not the only thing that matters. You also want it to look good. These messenger bags do it all.

Osprey Flap Jack Courier ($79)
The Flap Jack’s weather protector and numerous pockets supply lots of shelter for your stuff to stay safe from downpours, the beating sun, or a spilled Slushie. Whether you’re walking or riding your bike, a waist strap keeps your bag from swinging around annoyingly, and a changeable inner-webbing allows you to sorta make it seem like you’re baller enough to buy messenger bags on the regular.

Some diehards devote months of time to perfecting their Halloween costumes. Others rush to Halloween pop-up stores on Oct. 31 hoping to find something amongst the carnage. And often what those people find are masks. Terrible, terrible Halloween masks.

To be fair, masks are cheap and take five seconds to put on. But you sweat your face off in them, and chances are you look like a jackass — especially if you choose one of the terrible Halloween masks we’ve found. Oh sure, they’re frightening. But not in the good way.

MICHAEL MYERS

Actually, the Halloween mask is actually more frightening than the Halloween mask.

If it’s time to replace your funky old duffel from college or your battered black roller, we’ve got some great airline carry-on bag options that are durable, have good storage capacity, and will impress even the most jaded of cute flight attendants.

Adidas 3-Stripes Airline Bag ($80)
With a large zippered main compartment and two exterior flap pockets, the 3-Stripes Airline Bag from Adidas is ideal for an overnight trip, a long weekend, or an acknowledgment that you’re a huge Dr. J. fan. The 100-percent polyurethane textured carry-on works as a briefcase or can be carried on your shoulder.

Timbuk2 Wingman ($150)
The Wingman is durable, lightweight ballistic nylon luggage that can be carried as a duffle bag or worn as a messenger bag or backpack. The multiple grab straps and separate zipper pockets leave enough space to house your dirty laundry, toiletries, or nasty-ass running shoes. Timbuk2 also gives each bag a lifetime guarantee.

But on the other hand, a vintage watch is a piece of history on your wrist; just think of what an old military-style watch might have been through. Wearing a vintage watch lets people know that you care about distinguishing yourself since you’re wearing what is essentially a unique timepiece. Plus, vintage watches tend to look a lot cooler than a Casio.

You just have to know where to shop, how to choose the right style, and how to tell if the watch is a lemon. And it just so happens we have time to give you a hand. Yeah, we know. Sorry.

KNOW THE MARKET
Vintage watch prices vary. A lot. You can go with a 1970s Hamilton or Timex military watch for $200 or less. Or you can pay … much, much more.

Narrow your search to a specific model or brand before spending money. Then comparison shop online and use sites like Chrono24.com to see how much that style is going for. Lastly, if you want to be super thorough (or lazy), call a vintage watch dealer and ask them to price out the one you had in mind.

KNOW WHERE TO SHOP
Pawn Shops/Secondhand Stores: Both are good for finding undervalued watches, but they also require a lot of footwork and a little luck. Also, there’s a good chance that you’ll find watches in need of repair or servicing.

eBay: The good news is that the variety pretty much can’t be beat. The bad news is that you have to know what you’re doing. For one, you obviously won’t see the watch firsthand until after you buy it. So who’s to say it won’t show up with more dings, scratches, or mechanical issues than the seller either forgot to mention or avoided mentioning. Another potential problem: eBay sellers can be ignorant. Emailing questions, even ones as simple as, “Does it work?” won’t always get a helpful reply.

Vintage Watch Dealers: This is the safest place to go for first timers. Dealers have the connections to track down tough-to-find timepieces, and most of their watches are serviced and restored. But you’ll pay a steep premium for the convenience.

Auction Houses: You’re likely to find “investment grade” vintage watches in excellent condition, but “investment grade” essentially means “extremely expensive.”