Hi, I’m Ted. You wanna survive this Holiday Season? Then stick with me. As a former holiday gift, I am uniquely qualified to help you through this trying time …
You’re gonna have to go to a holiday party. And it’s gonna be terrible. So arrive late. Eat the food, drink the drink, make sure all the people you’ve grown to hate see you, and then take off for the real party at my place. I live above a Chinese takeout restaurant, so be prepared for a lot of yelling in a made-up language, and unless you like your hair to smell like smoky peanut oil, let me shampoo you before you leave. Oh, and only ladies are invited to my party. Oh, and only hot ladies. Oh, and only hot ladies with rockin’ bods. Oh, and only Mila Kunis.
I’m gonna be honest, secret Santa is too much math for me. I can’t figure out how it works. I just keep playing along every year like a librarian that doesn’t know how to read and therefore has to memorize the location of every book in the library. It’s a lot of work, but my pride is intact. (The librarian’s name is Ruth Weiss by the way, at Boston Public Library. Sorry Ruth.)
Buy everyone you know a Robin Williams stand-up special. No one will ever want a gift from you again. Boom! Done forever.
Invite your entire family to your place for Christmas — and then also invite Robin Williams. No one will ever want to come to your place again. Boom! Done forever.
Be shameless. I once re-gifted five-month-old balloons leftover from somebody else’s birthday party. The most shameless part was not that the balloons were mostly deflated, or that they said “Happy Birthday” on them when it was Christmas. It was that I re-gifted them to the wife of the guy whose birthday it was. (He died shortly after his birthday.)
(The two-disc Blu-ray Ted combo pack hits stores today.)