The Ultimate Action-Hero
Showdown: Day 3
It’s Day 3 of March Madness: The Maddening — a tournament matching up the most kick-ass action heroes ever to see who kicks the most ass.
By Jordan Burchette
Although McClane is an ex-Marine, Dalton has the hand-to-hand edge on Nakatomi’s reluctant savior. Thing is, McClane is nowhere to be found — until it’s too late! Before the bouncer can get his bearings, McClane strikes from nowhere with a gun butt to the teased bangs. But Dalton simply looks up, applies some Aqua Net, and growls, “Pain don’t hurt.” McClane continues to attack from various ducts and rafters — why the hell did Dalton agree to stage the fight at a half-finished construction site? — which confuses the bouncer, who is familiar only with doors. Dalton’s final words are, “Nobody ever wins a fight!” before he becomes yet another stain on McClane’s wife beater. Yippee Ki Ay etc. etc.
WINNER: JOHN MCCLANE
Callahan is a homicide detective, which should come in handy since Bond has a license to kill. Wielding the most powerful handgun in the world, Dirty Harry gets the early drop on 007, leaving him shaken … but not stirred. Bond knows his Walther PPK is no match for a .44 Magnum, so the secret agent lies in wait until Callahan gets within Judo chopping range. Once he does, Bond’s knife-hand strike fells the ’70s macho stereotype with ’60s macho ignorance of anything resembling actual Judo. Thus Bond makes Dirty Harry’s day … his last!
WINNER: JAMES BOND
Hong Kong’s rootin’est, tootin’est inspector really likes shooting guns. As does Raccoon City’s amnesiac protector. So it’s little surprise that the two immediately charge at one another in furious two-fisted fashion, unleashing a hellish hail of bullets … but curiously hitting no one. (No one, that is, except for Michelle Rodriguez who, despite not even being part of the battle, dies predictably off camera.) As a cloud of grotesquely mutated doves dive bomb screaming spectators, Tequila reaches for his most deadly weapon: a clarinet! The melodious aria that follows awakens within Alice yet another previously undiscovered ability: dying of boredom.
WINNER: TEQUILA YUEN
In The Way of the Dragon, Bruce Lee concluded a nine-minute fight against Chuck Norris with an extremely satisfying neck snap. But that was then, and this is now. Well … not “now” exactly. After all, Chuck is old and Bruce is mulch, so — LOOK OUT LEE, IT’S A SURPRISE ROUNDHOUSE! The cagey McCoy then follows with a right, a right, and another right; after all, lefts are for p*ssies. The Dragon, however, quickly recovers. With fists of feet, he whirs through McCoy like an outboard motor, sending chest hair flying, bystanders scurrying, and his one-time protégé and pallbearer to beard heaven.