Is there any better gift than the gift of watching two guys who are clearly too old to fight fight? Especially if one of them is absolutely shithoused drunk? And scream-slurs, “I have a seat on the [Chicago] Board of Trade. I will cut you in half!” And the whole argument is over the fact that the drunk guy made a phone call on a train car that’s supposed to be reserved for passengers who want complete silence? (Though, to be fair, if a guy did that on 90-minute commute from a job that is slowly murdering us to a house occupied by screaming kids, we’d be pretty enraged too.) Oh, and keep an ear out for the bonus ethic slur as well!