Warning: Learning How Much These People Make Will Piss You Off

People rarely discuss their salaries. And you’ll understand why after learning how criminally much — or how shamefully little — these everyday people make.

By Zack Zeigler

Everybody wants to know how much money everybody else makes — but nobody ever tells. And after reading PARADE Magazine’s What People Earn survey, we know why.

It just pisses you off.

We waded through just a small portion of the more than 150 people PARADE featured, and we found plenty to be irritated about — both because some people earn far too little, and because other bozos make far too much. Oh, and by the way? The hack magician who performed at your nephew’s birthday party probably earns more than you ….


Brian K. | Law Enforcement Trainee | Brook Park, Ohio | $22,000
We hope Mahoney, Hightower, and the rest of the cadets teach Brian how to dodge a bullet, because taking one for $22k would be a crime.

Bryan B. | FedEx Pilot | O’Fallon, Ill. | $148,000
Hey, Bryan deserves it, but many regional airline pilots earn less than $25,000 a year — and their cargo is people.

Dave C. | Astrologer | Phoenix, Ariz. | $177,000
That’s funny. This morning our horoscope read, “Jupiter is rising in your Neptune house. Which means you’ll feel sick to your stomach after finding out how much I make.” Maybe astrology isn’t total bullsh*t after all. (Just kidding. It absolutely is!)

Glenn Z. | Glassblower | Waterbury Center, Vt. | $60,000
Well, if you spend your life huffing molten glass, you should probably get hazard-style pay.

Graham P. | Ocean Lifeguard | Ocean City, N.J. | $7,000
Graham’s job is to run barefoot on sand dotted with used hypodermic needles, leap into toxic water, and get smeared with Drakkar Noir and coconut oil as he drags drunk Jersey Shore extras to safety. He should earn more.

Joe D. | Mayor | Bowling Green, Ky. | $18,000
Yikes. We hope he’s taking plenty of kickbacks.

Jeff O. | Magician | East Lansing, Mich. | $80,000
Does he know a trick that would help us forget that we know out how much money he makes?

Tara D. | Blogger | Vancouver, Wash. | $25,000
This is a travesty. After all, writing things on the Internet is the most important job in the world.

Sherri B.| Ghost Tour Operator | Summerville, W. Va. | $45,000
People pay her halfway decent money to tell bogus ghost stories while holding a flashlight under her chin. Now that’s scary.

Frank S. | Plastic Surgeon | Las Vegas, Nev. | $1,000,000
Okay, so maybe you don’t agree with the kind of doctor he is. But we can all agree that doctors deserve to be paid well for the (usually) valuable services they provide.

Karl W. | Free Clinic Doctor | Boise, Idaho$0.00
The world is a terrible place.

Sara K. | Speech-Language Pathologist | Olympia, Wash. | $66,000
Hey, if her patients can pronounce her profession by the time she’s through with them, she’s worth every penny.

Steve C. | Meteorologist | Warwick, R.I. | $90,000
Getting it right about 30 percent of the time may not sound like something you should get paid almost $100K for, but keep in mind that baseball players make multimillions doing it.

Chris S. | Pageant Consultant | Elkton, Maryland | $12,000
If dudes like Chris are responsible for coaching contestants like 2007 Miss South Carolina, they are woefully underpaid.

TAGS: capitalism, jobs, money, salary

 

Post a comment:

Sherri Brake (Mon, 21 Nov 2011 21:36:44 +0000): "People pay her halfway decent money to tell bogus ghost stories while holding a flashlight under her chin. Now that’s scary". Thank you, Mr. Zeigler. You forgot to mention the $200,000+ I have paid to various heritage, historical, cemetery, and preservation groups in the last 7 years of telling "bogus" stories. As far as holding a flashlight under my chin, I only do that when I do my impression of "Blair Witch". Seriously?
Shaun Bland (Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:09:38 +0000): WHAT A DICK!
Shaun Bland (Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:19:31 +0000): Who ever made this list obviously should be at the top! Mr. Zeigler / Bogus Editorials / Modernman.com/ $Too Much. Someone who has too much time on his hands and not enough work to do. Takes his time unfairly criticizing others on their incomes while he sits at a desk with articles that shouldn't make it past the National Enquirer. At least they "attempt" to research their stories. Sounds like someone is jealous of what others earn but judging by this list your probably over paid!
Steve Shimek (Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:28:45 +0000): MR Zack Zeigler....How much do you make writing things about other's without checking all the info?
Stephanie Kraus McCaulley (Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:44:08 +0000): You ought to try investigating these things before you write about them. On behalf of Sherri Brake she is a great person and knows her stuff. You on the other hand are a fraud. Where did you get this job? Was it posted on the side of the Cracker Jack Box?
Marc Cunningham (Tue, 22 Nov 2011 16:03:29 +0000): Mr. Zeigler, I have known Sherri Brake for over ten years and she does indeed contribute large sums of money to historical/preservation groups. Without her support, these institutions would be out of business and chunks of our history around the Ohio West Virginia area would vanish! The "bogus" ghost stories are more of a telling of folklore, not at all what you describe in your bogus, not researched at all journal article! I completely support Ms. Brake and I do not see the need to insult her! She runs a successful small business in a time when small businesses are failing! You sir, (and I use that term loosely) owe Ms. Brake an apology.
Jenn Rose (Tue, 22 Nov 2011 18:31:50 +0000): Maybe you should do a little more research before criticizing others...or how about the ridiculous amounts of money that professional athletes are paid for sitting on benches? That pisses me off! Not someone trying to make an honest wage by providing reasonably priced paranormal investigations for those interested. Trust me, I have been on many investigations with Sherri B. and she works her butt off at each and every one!
Jennifer Varney Sturm (Thu, 24 Nov 2011 15:25:22 +0000): I don't know ...sure a flashlight isn't necessary to look between Mr. Z's ears for signs of intelligent life ?
Donna Rudyk (Thu, 17 Jan 2013 18:06:13 +0000): How much Does Edwin Jenzen earn as a Fedex pilot.
Jeremy Bland (Sat, 08 Feb 2014 11:36:05 +0000): I have a belly button

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