What Kind of Massage Should You Get?

What Kind of Massage Should You GetConversely, DEEP-TISSUE MASSAGE is for people whose backs are so full of Gordian knots that only a serious work-over can relieve their pain. These massage therapists use slow, against-the-grain strokes to target deep layers of muscle and connective tissue.

For a relaxing HOT STONE MASSAGE, heated rocks are placed on strategic points on the body to heat and loosen tight muscles. A massage therapist might also apply pressure, but the warmth of the rocks itself is supposed to do the trick. Pro tip: Make sure the person is using hot rocks, not hot ancient Biblical inscribed medallions.

REFLEXOLOGY is a fancy name for a foot massage. That’s why foot-massage barkers stand outside their little corner massage parlors like Sirens calling to weary pedestrians: Call it whatever you want, but foot massages feel good.

THAI MASSAGE is similar to Shiatsu in that it utilizes certain pressure points, but it requires you to do more than just lay on a table like a fattened crocodile. Instead, a masseuse contorts your body into a sequence of poses that supposedly reduce stress and increase flexibility. If nothing else, it’s probably the most fun way to get a massage. Well, except for …

… a HAPPY ENDING. We hear that certain establishments with which we’re totally unfamiliar allegedly offer such a service. Just let the people who work there bring it up first … trust us.