I’m no actress. In fact, I’m so bad at acting that I played “Non-Speaking Tree” in pretty much every school play in which I was cast. And yet even I can gasp and sputter a very convincing “I’m coming!’” like nobody’s business. And apparently, I’m not alone.
A national sex study by Indiana University shows that while 85 percent of men say that their latest sexual partner had an orgasm, only 64 percent of women say they climaxed the last time they had sex. I’m almost as bad at math as I am at acting, but it sounds to me like 21 percent of the women surveyed are faking fakers — and that 21 percent of the guys totally fell for it.
Assuming you don’t want to be one of the suckers who has no idea whether or not he’s really pleasing a woman, check out these five telltale signs that her orgasm is scripted.
1. She’s Making Sense
Let’s put it this way: “That feels so good, don’t stop” is what a woman says when you’re rubbing her feet after she’s endured a long day in heels. “That … ohmi … keep … don’ t … yes, there, holy …” is what a woman says when you’re doing an excellent job in the sack. Stringing together a coherent sentence is nearly impossible when the Big O is on the horizon. And if her moans and groans sound like the moans and groans in the porn you watch — perfectly synchronized with your every thrust — your fake orgasm radar should be on high alert. That’s because women in porn are acting. Real women do not orgasm from being mercilessly pounded over and over again with little to no clitoral stimulation.
2. She Can’t Stop Kissing You
I once dated a guy who tried to make out the entire time we were having sex. Clearly he had watched The Notebook, realized that anyone with a vagina loved the Ryan Gosling/Rachel McAdams boning scene, and thought, “Oh, the characters kiss really passionately during sex — all chicks must like that!” But for a lot of women, it takes a ton of concentration and just the right position to climax during sex. Kissing and nuzzling during foreplay? Good. Kissing and nuzzling while I’m trying to center my thoughts and maintain a perfect 45-degree angle with your crotch? Distracting. If you go to give her a smooch and she bats you away or twists her head, don’t take it personally — it just means she’s focusing on bringing it home for the win.
3. Her Face Looks Pretty
If you saw a screengrab of yourself while your, um, hand and penis were fighting, you’d probably look like you’re a) being murdered or b) about to cry. The sad truth is that we all tend to look like we’re in pain — i.e., pretty unattractive — when we’re in the heat of the moment. During sex, you want her to be making an expression that’s befitting of a root canal, not smiling like she’s on the red carpet.
4. You Only Did It Doggystyle
A woman having an orgasm from behind is the equivalent to you having an orgasm from a woman giving you a hand job — it’s totally possible, but it takes mad skill. So I would be wary of a woman who claims to have finished in that position — especially if there wasn’t a helping hand involved. Generally speaking, women are more likely to climax when they are on top, or from missionary using the Coital Alignment Technique, a.k.a. The CAT (if you’ve never heard of it, Google it).
5. Her Skin Feels Soft and Supple
When a woman has an orgasm, her heart rate, blood pressure, and pulse all elevate, which means perspiration is practically unavoidable. She should feel clammy all over, or at least in certain spots like the small of her back, the crook of her elbows, or behind her knee. Her face, neck, or chest may also get really flushed and ruddy. Since even the most dedicated actress can’t make her body do those things, give yourself a pat on the back if you notice any of them; they’re all signs that her happy ending was real.