Barbie dolls aren’t selling like they used to. In fact, they haven’t been selling as well for a while now. And that’s bad news for her maker, Mattel Inc. This week it was reported that Mattel’s sales have slipped an overall 24-percent, and some of that burden has to fall on Barb’s narrow shoulders.
The issue Mattel is having with Barbie is crystal clear: After five decades of giving her more than 40 pets (including a panda, lion cub, and zebra), an unstable on-again/off-again relationship, and jobs as an astronaut, doctor, and a Nascar driver (seriously), their well of ideas has dried up. Good thing ours hasn’t. We’ve come up with a handful of guaranteed ways to get Barbie’s sales on track. What are they? We’re so glad you asked …
• Send her to rehab.
• Leak her sex tape with Jem from the Holograms.
• Equip her with a Kung-Fu Grip.
• Alter her ridiculous proportions so that they resemble those of real women … like Kate Upton or Bar Rafaeli or Jessica Simpson (ca. 2005).
• Give her a straight boyfriend. (Ken can still be the gay bestie.)
• Package her riding a My Little Pony; sales to emotionally stunted adult male virgins will skyrocket.
• Two words: Cuter shoes.
• Cast her in a Quentin Tarantino movie.
• Publish photographs of her shopping for pregnancy tests.
• Reveal the fact that she’s managed to stay young all these years because … she’s a vampire!
• She’s 54 years old for god’s sake — start calling her Barbara.
