Before becoming the host of the daily Christian talk show The 700 Club, televangelist Pat Robertson was a faith healer. That’s right, he cured people with the power of prayer. He even used his persuasive prayer powers to move hurricanes away from his business. Wow, that is totally amaz — wait, that means he moved the hurricanes toward the homes and businesses of others. Hmm, that doesn’t sound very Christian. Well, that must have been an aberration, because … oh. He apparently also lied about the date he got married in an attempt to cover up a child born out of wedlock. Hey, we all make mistakes! It’s just that we don’t then tell people they’re going to hell for making the same mistakes.
Robertson’s most recent un-Christian act was to give married men a pass for cheating on their wives, and to tell wives to stop getting their panties in a bunch about it, to be grateful that their husbands give them money to buy clothes, and to focus on being better homemakers so that they don’t drive their husbands into the arms of strippers in hotel rooms. (Check out the video clip above.)
Man, that must be the stupidest thing Pat Robertson has ever said in his — oh wait never mind it’s not even close:
1. “DUMP YOUR WIFE IF SHE HAS ALZHEIMER’S!”
In sickness and in health? Just a suggestion.
2. “BEATING YOUR WIFE ISN’T AWFUL ALL OF THE TIME!”
It’s simple: Move to Saudi Arabia and you’re in the clear to sock her one when she gets out of line.
3. “GOD TOTES CONFIDES IN ME!”
So if Pat Robertson says God told him that Mitt Romney would be a two-term president, does that mean Robertson is calling God liar? Sure!
4. “IF YOU GO TO SCHOOL AND LEARN THINGS, GOD HATES YOU!”
Water to wine? Water walking? Not going to happen if you keep reading those godforsaken science books.
5. “THAT EARTHQUAKE IN HAITI? IT WAS BECAUSE OF THEIR PACT WITH THE DEVIL!”
No wonder it was a magnitude 6.66.
6. “AMERICA WILL BE DESTROYED BECAUSE GAY MARRIAGE!”
Remember how Jesus preached intolerance?
7. “YOUR HOUSE WAS DESTROYED BY A TORNADO BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T PRAY HARD ENOUGH!”
Better star praying your asses off, Tornado Alley.
8. “POT SHOULD BE LEGALIZED!”
Boy oh boy, what a crazy old … wait, this one actually makes sense.