Getting your ex back takes time and patience — two things most guys don’t have when they’re feeling alone and vulnerable and paranoid that their ex-girlfriend is about to slip and fall on another man’s penis. And let’s face it, most of the time getting back together doesn’t work. Why? Because you A) broke up for a reason, and B) things aren’t going to change unless a significant amount of personal growth between the two of you has taken place.
So if you’ve given it a few days, it probably hasn’t happened. A few weeks? It’s possible. Three to four months? Much more likely. You should be able to feel when the timing is right — when she finally answers your email or text, or agrees to meet for drink — and when it is, use these three tips to gain access …
#1. SHOW HER IT WILL BE DIFFERENT
Don’t just tell her, show her. And not by saying things you want her to hear: “I’ve changed.” “I miss you.” “I know what I need to do.” If you’ve changed she should have no trouble spotting the ways. And we’re guessing she’s smart — why else would you be with her? — so she doesn’t need your help in finding them. And that doesn’t mean attending church on one or two Sundays and then bailing if you’re not looking to go every Sunday. Whatever you agree to do — or not do — make sure it’s for the long haul and that you’re okay with it.
Understand that she might not trust what you’re saying and that if she doesn’t, your hand has been played. You can give it your best shot, but if she’s not buying what you’re selling, prepare yourself to move on and take your newfound mentality and personal growth elsewhere.
#2. DON’T BE TERRITORIAL
She might not handle heartbreak the same way you do. So whether your drowned your sorrow in a bottle or hopped under someone else to help ease the pain, understand that she may have done the same thing. Or she may not have. Whatever she did to get her through hard times is something you need to accept. Then let it go.
When you’re split up you have no say in what activities she does or with whom she’s does them with.Make a point to reframe the way you think about your relationship. Don’t choose to obsess over the recent past; instead, retrain yourself to live in the present. And right now, if you’re lucky, she’s on the verge of letting you back into the circle of trust. And if you (or she) used Tinder en route to the journey back, so be it.
To move forward and chart this new course you have to let those questions go and focus on the present, and the future. If you can’t do that, you can’t sustain a relationship with her.
#3. LET HER STEER THE SHIP
Showing her you care is a necessity, but overdoing it will undoubtedly push her away. So let her take the reins until you’re an established partnership again. That means no elaborate symphonies showing up at her door on Sunday at 6 a.m. to gently wake her from her beauty rest. No lavish necklaces or floral arrangements. Keep it simple.
Dictating the pace will only screw things up (again). Follow her lead and find windows of happiness in the time you’re allowed to spend with her. That’ll keep you from seeming antsy while displaying that you’re not the same dickhead she once knew.
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