If your balls get sweaty while you’re pumping iron at the gym or fleeing a hungry sea monsters in a post-apocalyptic hellscape, that’s okay. But if you’re sitting at your desk in the office or, worse, sitting on your couch next to a date, you do not want a swampy crotch. So you need to treat your nuts with the same respect you do your pits. But you might be wondering how to make sweaty balls dry. I’m going to tell you.
My sweaty acorns and I tested six ball-conditioning agents to see how they stack up in terms of ease of use, price, and, most importantly, how it made my sweaty balls feel overall. I used a scale of 1-10 for various categories; one meaning the product was a bust (or a ball-buster, if you will). And 10, meaning that it’ll make your coins feel sparkly-fresh inside of their purse.
How To Keep Your Balls Dry
I found there was one big problem with baby-powdering my balls: I was left with a chalky residue in my
thong underwear. It was a mess to clean up, and created an even bigger mess when I needed to explain it to a woman who expressed … displeasure upon seeing it.
The powder did dry moisture well, which makes sense; it’s essentially just talc, the same stuff gymnasts and power lifters use on their hands before competing. But as noted, it got all clumpy and using it while wearing dark clothing proved impossible; I always seemed to have white streaks on anything dark I wore.
As the cheapest of my ball-freshening options ($4 for 22 oz. bottle), the price remains the only real standout quality of baby powder.
Ease of use: 3
Of all the products I tested, this one seemed to be the most universally loved ball-sweat product on the market. Everyone from students to Marines gave it two crotches up, complimenting the cream and the customer service of the manufacturer*.
My thoughts: The cream, which boasts aloe vera and palm oil, is miraculous. Sweat, discomfort, and odor virtually disappeared with even a modest application before and after a light workout. I decided to up the ante and try again with a day of rough yard work, and the results were the same — smooth application, dry balls, and no odor.
The $13 price tag for a measly 3 oz. tube may be a deterrent for some of you cheapskates, but the joke’s on you … or more accurately, your balls. Trust me: Fresh Balls is worth the money.
Ease of use: 9
*Several reviews reported receiving damaged tubes, which the manufacturer replaced and upgraded with additional tubes free of charge.
Nubag (get it?) spray proved much more convenient than a powder or cream, and it left my sack feeling cool and refreshed without the annoying (to me) tingle of Gold Bond. The application was easy — point and shoot — and the eucalyptus-tinged spray ($10 for 1.7 oz.) kept doing its job for hours.
It even lasted through a workout. The container is a little conspicuous – about five inches high, and royal blue – but it’s easy enough to port into the john for a quick touch up.
Ease of use: 9
CHAMOIS BUTT’R ($12 @ Amazon.com)
Designed for bikers — dudes on 10 speeds, not Hell’s Angels — Chamois Butt’r emphasizes non-greasiness and a “Eurostyle” sensation, which ironically sounds to me like something extremely greasy. However, true to its promise, I didn’t experience greasiness, and the cleanup was easy; soap and water quickly removed the Butt’r — its key ingredients are menthol and Witch Hazel — from gym shorts and left no stains or marks behind.
The Butt’r also did what it said it would by eliminating friction between my meaty man thighs during a run. For serious athletes who are willing to invest ($14 for 8 oz. tube) in their long-term comfort, this product is a great fit. For a guy who’s just trying to touch up his nuts before a date? You’ll want to purchase the item on the next page.
Ease of use: 8
Gold Bond is basically baby powder spiked with menthol. The cooling ingredient gets mixed with zinc oxide, and that’s what gives you that familiar Gold-Bond tingle you’ve come to know and, if you’re me, hate. I find it overpowering and borderline uncomfortable, especially when I tried the “extra strength” versions.
Plus, I found Gold Bond had most of the hassles of baby powder at four times the price ($9 for 10 oz. bottle). So it’s a product that your balls will either love or hate. I did notice that Gold Bond was more controlled when coming out of the bottle, but that does nothing for my raisins. In short, not all powders on balls makes them dry, unfortunately.
Ease of use: 4