What “Man Candles” Should Smell Like

Man Candles Are Lame

Candles are relatively cheap, are less overpowering and smoky and hippie-attracting than burning incense, and make a better impression on guests than staple-gunning hundreds of air pine tree fresheners to the walls of your apartment. Which is why lots of people have candles around the house, both men and women. Though definitely more women.

And that’s why men apparently need different candles than women. In an effort to get dudes to purchase more — women buy 90 percent of all candles sold — the Yankee Candle Company came up with “Man Candles.”  They gave the scents names like “Movie Night,” “Mmm, Bacon,” and “First Down.”

Not understanding what a first down actually smelled like — Brian Urlacher’s jock? — most guys passed on them. But the Yankee Candle Company has now brought the same goofily named scents back for round two.

We’d hate to see a little Mom & Pop operation like the Yankee Candle Company suffer, so we’re helpfully come up with some scents we think they should try this time around.

• M14 Barrel

• Racing for Pink Slips

• Turducken

• Napalm in the Morning

• Blood, Sweat, and Beers

• Gisele’s Clothes Hamper

• Tank Exhuast

• Incline Bench Press

• Muddin’

• Flag Football Injury

• Rib Tips

• Athletic Tape

• Sex Leavings