ROBIN HOOD (1973)
Teaching kids that a life of crime pays? Dick move, Disney. Okay, so it’s unfair to lay all the blame for Robin Hood at the feet of Disney, because it’s not like they invented the tale of a charismatic thug who teaches people to suckle at the teat of criminal enterprise rather than rise up in defense of their own civil rights and liberties. All Disney did was make the thugs cute foxes and bears to add that oh-so-necessary spoonful of sugar to help its twisted medicine go down.
LABYRINTH (1986)
What’s the best way to kick off a movie for children? With the abduction of an infant, of course! But when said abduction is perpetrated by an androgynous glam rock icon in skintight jodhpurs? Let’s just say you have a squirmy hour and a half ahead of you. We’re fairly certain the same person who decided to give David Bowie Tina Turner’s hair also thought nothing of having all of his Muppet minions be exactly crotch-height tall, giving Li’l David more actual screen time than Jennifer Connelly. But, hey, maybe you’re cool with child kidnapping and flagrant penis fouls in your household. No judgement here …
