10 Kids Movies That Kids
Shouldn’t Watch

Alongside Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal makes for a great theme night double feature. Unfortunately, that theme is “Jim Henson Has Some Serious Shit to Work Out After Years Spent Elbow Deep in Kermit.” In fact, Crystal makes Labyrinth seem downright quaint, with its simple “don’t be a brat to your kid brother or Ziggy Stardust will adopt him” message.

Crystal is inhabited by effete elf things that make Orlando Bloom look like Dwayne Johnson, hunch-backed hippy monsters that look like a cross between Yoda and a withered camel, and skeletal bird monsters that — we’re not kidding — routinely murder and eat one another. And the “happy” ending involves the hippies and the bird-monsters finally unifying into some kind of ethereal light beings straight out of John Bonham’s greatest mid-drum-solo acid peaks.


Dad: “Hey, kids, want to watch this animated movie about a family of bunnies who try and find a new home?”

Kids: “Yes, daddy!”

Dad: “OK, here we — OH MY GOD! What’s happening to them? They’re … they’re dying!”

Mom: “Turn it off! Turn it off! For the love of all that is good and decent turn it off!”

Seriously. Watership Down: Not. Even. Once.