Does Squeezing Boobs Cure Breast Cancer?

Scarlett Johansson

Are you a heterosexual male who has the use of at least one of your hands? Then you’ll want to read this. According to recent research done by eggheads at the University of California, Berkeley, applying pressure to cancerous tumors in womens’ breasts actually made the malignant cancer cells begin behaving like normal cells. Translation: Grabbing boobs cures cancer.

Okay, we may be editorializing a bit. Experts agree that while these findings may help lead to ways to treat tumors in the future, feeling her boobs will not result in a medical miracle. However, you can do your part to help women fight breast cancer. No, we don’t mean by volunteering or donating money! We mean by feeling them up. “If you do happen to feel anything unusual, like a hard lump, then that’s something you should mention to your partner,” says Lillian Shockney, registered nurse and administrative director of the Johns Hopkins Breast Center. “But the way you handle her breasts won’t cure cancer.”

Too bad — but don’t let that prevent you from initiating a game of naughty doctor. You know, just in case.