Great, Talking Urinals Now Scold You For Drinking

If you’re gassing beers at a sports bar as you watch your beloved Steelers drop their second straight game, you may very well lose track of how many pints you’ve downed (3? 4? 19?) As we all know, drunk driving is dangerous and illegal, and can result in the loss of thousands of dollars, your license, and your dignity. (And who knows what else if you end up spending the night in jail.) Yet many of us still drunk drive. And maybe that’s just because we need a reminder not to do it.

Enter the Colorado Department of Transportation! They figured that people who are shitfaced probably have to pee every 5 minutes. So they came up with an idea: Urinal cakes that tell you not to drive if your shitfaced. Yes, as you hose down the urinal cakes, a recorded message plays, telling you to, “Keep a constant stream on this urinal cake and let’s see how drunk you are.” your talking urinal will rate you from “Tipsy … charming … ham-boned … uh, where are your pants? … winner!” Which we don’t really understand, since you’d think that the longer you’re able to keep your stream in one place, the less drunk you are. But whatever.

The voice creepily emanating from the thing you’re pissing on concludes, “Make sure you keep winning and get home safe. Drink and don’t drive.”

So far, CDOT claims it’s helping, pointing to stats that show DUI arrests and booze-related fatalities are down from one year ago. Of course, the anti-drunk driving campaign has its detractors. Denver’s 9News reported that some establishments removed the urinal cakes after costumer complaints. Also, one was found in the trash, and another was stolen. This of course leads to a more pressing question: What kind of maniac would steal a piss-covered urinal cake, even if it does talk?