How To Hold a Goddamned Baby

W. Bush

USE PROPER HAND-OFF TECHNIQUE

Your first inclination may be to chest pass the little guy back to Mommy or Daddy as soon as he starts wailing. Instead, hold the kid securely and close to your body while maintaining eye contact with him; it might help calm him down. As a last resort, read aloud the opening chapter of George W. Bush’s Decision Points. The baby will eventually doze off.