When you find yourself in a pile of trouble with your lady, you might be tempted to buy some flowers and mutter, “Uh … sorry” in order to make it all go away. Well, that won’t work — instead, you need to be able to give her the perfect apology.
(FYI, flowers are most effective when given at random times for no reason other than to let her know you really like her.) If she catches so much as a whiff of insincerity, you’re toast. “It’s not enough to just say you’re sorry — a woman is looking for specific things from your apology that will reassure her that you really do feel remorseful,” explains Yvonne Thomas, PhD, a Los Angeles-based psychologist. No, that doesn’t mean groveling at her feet like a sad puppy. It means following this advice from Thomas …
1. COMMIT TO IT
Tone is just as important as word choice — and women are like mutant psychic bloodhound superheroes when it comes to sniffing out BS. If you’re not legitimately feeling badly about what went down, don’t go through with the apology. An, “Oh, by the way, my bad …” won’t convince her — and will probably piss her off even more.
When you’re ready, make what you have to say to her your No. 1 priority. Pause the Xbox, turn off the TV, put the computer to sleep, and slide the Blackberry out of thumbs’ reach. Then look her in the eye and say, “I really am sorry about what I did.”
2. LET HER KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND
Women have a tendency to hammer the same point over and over and over until, ultimately, all you hear is “Blah blah blah jerk blah blah no sex blah blah couch …” Yes, she could be more succinct — but she’s just trying to make sure that you understand how upset she is.
To let her know you do, apologize in a way that acknowledges you understand why she’s upset. If you stayed out until 3 am without calling, say, “I know you worry when I don’t call, and that was inconsiderate of me. I should have at least sent you a text letting you know I’d be late.” Even if all you do is repeat the things she tells you are bothering her, it still demonstrates that you’re listening.
3. FORGET THE EXCUSES
She’s going to want to know why you did what you did. Now, you may have no idea why you did it, but you’re gonna have to figure it out and make it part of your apology. Excuses won’t fly, and being defensive will just relaunch the same argument. Instead, accept blame and explain yourself. Try something like, “I know that it’s not a good enough answer, but the truth is we were drinking a lot, and I lost track of time.”
Of course, just because you come in peace doesn’t necessarily mean she’s over it. If she starts in with the yelling again, resist the urge to fight back or you’ll end up back at square one. Keep your cool, like Jack Bauer braving a torture session — no rolling your eyes, no deep sighs, no exaggerated air-wanking hand motions (even though those are always funny). Let her finish whatever it is she’s getting at, and then simply say, “I know, and that’s why I’m trying to apologize.”
4. REASSURE HER
You can’t just apologize for what you did — you need to convince her that you won’t do it again. So convey that this incident has changed you explain how things will be different in the future. “From now on I’ll set an alarm on my phone to remind me to touch base, so even if I’m drunk I’ll let you know my ETA.” It’ll make your girl feel better, you’ll come off looking like a real man, and make-up sex will become a real possibility. Everybody wins!
Also Read: How To Win An Argument With Your Girlfriend
The basic rule for coming out on top in a dispute with your significant other — don’t be a jerk. Here’s how to keep yourself in check.