Why Your NCAA Tournament Pick Is Going To Lose

Louisville March Madness NCAA Tournament


1 Louisville
The Cardinals are a deep, defensive-minded squad led by accomplished point guard Peyton Siva. And the best team never wins.

2 Duke
A Duke win would make Dick Vitale’s head explode in a fit of ecstasy. And we’re just not that lucky.

3 Michigan State
The Spartans will be worn out from playing what we think is the toughest schedule in the country this year.

4 St. Louis
What the hell is a Billiken?

5 Oklahoma State
The Cowboys, with do-it-all guard Marcus Smart, are our sleeper Final Four pick. But that doesn’t mean we’re crazy enough to pick them to win.

6 Memphis
The Tigers have an extremely inflated 30 wins and are an easy target for a “shocking” first-round upset.

7 Creighton
Father-son combos never work in sports.

8 Colorado State
The Rams might be the most obscure “big-name” team in the field. Have they even ever been on TV?

9 Missouri
Unfortunately for the Tigers, the Tournament is not being held in Columbia, Mo. The team apparently gets very frightened when they have to sleep in strange places, because all they do on the road is lose.

10 Cincinnati
If the Bearcats don’t get hot and hit from outside, they’re nothing more than a poor shooting team with little interior presence.

11a Middle Tennessee State
The Blue Raiders’ coach is named Kermit. We love the Muppets and all, but c’mon.

11b Saint Mary’s College of California
They just got slapped with a bunch of sanctions for recruiting violations. Sorry, Saint Mary’s — winning college basketball programs never break the rules.

12 Oregon
They clearly don’t want to win, because they fired the awesome, Billy Blanks-lookalike Ernie Kent and replaced him with the bland Dana Altman.

13 New Mexico State
Sim Bhullar, Bandja Sy, and Terrel de Rouen sound more like overseas investment bankers than basketball players.

14 Valparaiso
The school shares its name with a late-period Sting song that he likely wrote during hour four of tantric sex.

15 Albany
According to New York State’s constitution, Syracuse is the only upstate school allowed to have any kind of real basketball success.

16a North Carolina A&T
The best team from the MEAC, Norfolk State, fell apart in the conference tournament. Which meant the conference’s sixth-ranked team, the Aggies, snuck in.

16b Liberty University
Jesus H. Christ, the Flames are only 15-20?! Sorry Liberty, but campus is not going to be Flamingly gay this week, due to your team’s early exit.