You’re getting off more than her. That’s if you believe a recent New York Times article that highlighted a study claiming that women don’t experience as much pleasure as men do in casual hookup-type situations. How can the researchers tell? Because of a serious orgasm gap; while men orgasmed nearly 80 percent of the time in a casual hookup, females only orgasmed 40 percent of the time.
On the surface, those numbers look bad because it makes it seem as if you guys aren’t doing enough. But I’ve got some major issues with the study because an orgasm isn’t indicative of pleasure. Sometimes, we really, really like sex even if the ending is anti-climactic. That said, you attempting to see her O face isn’t a bad idea. But how about when that’s not going to happen?
I spoke with some female friends to suss out some of the things men should know about our lack of orgasm. Use these tips as a way to help her get there … whether it’s in a hookup or a long-term relationship.
#1. Let Her Know You Want Her to Orgasm …
One way we determine whether or not you like us— and whether or not we want to hook up with you again — is by how much importance you place on our pleasure. So let us know that you’re excited to see it happen, and be enthusiastic in doing whatever it takes to get us there. If we’re quiet, offer suggestions. Just don’t go overboard on the dirty talk.
#2. … But Don’t Obsess Over It
We love that you really, really want us to orgasm. But when that’s the only thing you seem to care about, it makes it hard to concentrate. If it happens, it happens, but asking us how close we are only gets us further away. Just roll with it, and if you reach the finish line first, so be it. Just try not to make that a regular thing … or a mad dash.
#3. Keep Doing What You’re Doing
If we sound like we’re loving something, we are, and according to the unscientific group of friends I polled, nothing is more annoying than you stopping in the middle of something awesome and trying out a move that may be way less than awesome. Unclear about her signals? It’s always all right to ask.
#4. Ask What Brings Her Over the Edge
For some, it’s a specific position. Others do well with dirty talk. And a lot of women require additional stimulation in the form of a vibrator to actually get off. Asking us what might work broaches the subject, and even if we’re not quite ready to show you our sex drawer yet, knowing that you’re open to bringing in a third party is good info for us to have.
#5. Don’t Sulk
If we don’t orgasm, the worst thing is when you make a big deal about how it “happens for every other woman you’re with,” and that “no one else has complaints.” Listen, it’s not you, it’s us … and if it is you, we’re sexually confident enough to let you know.
#6. Keep Trying
Even if we say we’re fine with not orgasming, don’t think that means you’re let off the hook from doing the stuff we love. Act as if your moves will lead to an orgasm for us, and trust us, when we’re relaxed and in the groove, they will.