SANDRA AVILA BELTRAN
Name of show: The Search For Prince Charming … No. 3
Before being jailed in 2007 on money laundering and drug and weapons charges, Beltran was a damn fine drug kingpin in Mexico. Sadly, her skills didn’t translate to relationships. She’s rumored to have had both of her ex-husbands killed, and she never found her third Prince Charming. Until now.
Since we all deserve a third chance at love — or a third chance to murder another someone we used to love — a Bachelorette spin-off with Beltran as the inspiration would be a huge ratings hit. It won’t be a spoof like I Want To Marry Harry, either. Here’s how it will work: Suitors will attempt to win over Beltran. She’ll give machine gun bullets to those who make the grade, and those who get cut literally get cut. Depending on how much she dislikes them, they can lose fingers or toes, or whole hands and feet. You can probably guess which body part she’ll slice off on guys she really hates.