DISPOSAL
The stats from ’95 conclude that 90 percent of those surveyed used a tissue or handkerchief for disposal. (We wish they did a follow-up study on how many people use a goddamn handkerchief!) That left more than 28 percent to use the floor, and a little over 7 percent who wiped their boogers on furniture. We like to refer to that that last group “A huge collection of assholes.”
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When you need to go stealth — in a meeting, on a date, during your mom’s funeral — or there are no tissues within arm’s length, the “pick and flick” is perfect. Execution is simple. After the pick is successful, you can flick it toward the floor with your thumb, index, middle, or ring fingers. If it’s a slimy little bastard, you may need to roll the material around in your hands until it is dry before you flick. The disturbing part of this method is that you are not afforded time to admire the grossness that just exited your body.
The remaining eight percent, who are hand-down some of the most disgusting rancid friendless honest people around, admitted to admitted to scarfing their boogies down after they picked.
Yep, we know what you’re thinking …
WASH UP
If you’re nowhere near soap and water, go find some hand sanitizer for crying out loud. Your nose goblins are full of dust, dirt, mucus, and germs.
