30 Things Fast Times at Ridgemont High Taught Us
Fast Times gave us the best stoner in movie history and the best nude scene in movie history (if you disagree, you’re wrong). It also taught us a lot.
By Zack Zeigler
The classic comedy Fast Times at Ridgemont High turns 30 years old this week, meaning it’s been three decades since Jeff Spicoli was ripping bongs, Brad Hamilton was getting canned, and Linda Barrett was demonstrating the proper way to exit a pool. The film was the first one written by Cameron “Say Anything, Almost Famous, Jerry Maguire“ Crowe, and it was the first movie or one of the first movies in which Sean Penn, Jenifer Jason Leigh, Judge Reinhold, Forest Whitaker, Eric Stoltz, Nicolas Cage, and Phoebe Cates starred.
These are the lessons a bunch of high-school goofballs in 1982 still have to teach us:
1. Always, always, always lock the bathroom door. Always.
2. ‘Ludes and cars don’t mix.
3. Kevin Kline is a lucky man.
4. Creepy old dudes are creepy.
5. A good big brother is understanding, not overprotective.
6. Finish your pizza before class.
7. Yap about “guy code” and “bros before hos” all you want; a hot chick will make most male friends f@ck each other over in a heartbeat.
8. Standing someone up for an abortion is not very classy.
9. If a guy tells you side one of Led Zeppelin IV is perfect make-out music, you probably shouldn’t trust him.
10. Scalding-hot coffee is a surprisingly effective weapon.
11. Make sure you have your wallet before you show up for a date.
12. Pep rallies are rarely fun.
13. A guy who’s a good-natured, laid-back pothead in high school can still grow up to be a humorless grump with anger issues.
14. Chicks who work at pizza joints in the mall desire relationships, not hook ups.
15. Filling up a Volkswagen van with smoke takes more effort than you’ve been led to believe.
16. No shirt. No shoes. No dice.
17. Your teachers assume you smoke pot.
18. Practicing your blow-job technique at lunch will attract attention.
19. If a guy tells you to follow him to your birthday party, and it’s not your birthday, you probably shouldn’t trust him.
20. Watching a woman exit a pool can be far more interesting than watching her dive into it.
21. If you ejaculate prematurely, running away will not help.
22. Make-out spots like “The Point” provide a place to hook up, but rarely feature comfortable accommodations to do so.
23. Rage is an excellent motivator.
24. If a guy says he knows everything about women, you probably shouldn’t trust him.
25. Tasty waves and a cool buzz really is a great recipe for a nice day.
26. If you believe something is broken beyond fixing, check a TV repairman’s tools before making the final call.
27. “I don’t know” is a perfectly valid response.
28. Everyone has a breaking point.
29. Telling off a teacher in front of your peers pretty much always does wonders for your social status.
30. If you’re thinking dumping your girlfriend, she’s probably thinking about dumping you too.