Whether you were overexcited because your favorite ABBA song came on the radio, or you were out to show some jerk that your station wagon can get it done, you got popped for speeding. That doesn’t mean you’re going to be arrested and hauled off to jail, but if you get issued a speeding ticket, it’s going to cost you a lot of money. What can you do to get out of the speeding ticket? There are no full-proof methods, but according to our friend, Officer Jamie — it’s not his real name, but he really is a 20-year veteran of the New York State Police — you’ve got a shot if you follow his seven pieces of advice.
#1. PUT THE COP AT EASE
Last month, an Indiana police officer was shot multiple times during what initially appeared to be a “routine” traffic stop. We bring that up because even though you’re not a demented sociopath (well, except for you, Randy) the cop doesn’t know that. So if you see the flashers on behind you, pull off into a well-lit and open area, turn off the car, turn on the interior lights if it’s nighttime, keep your hands on the wheel, and silently pray to any and all gods you can think of that you’re going to get out of the speeding ticket. Oh, and don’t go rooting around the glove compartment for your proof of insurance until after you’re asked for it.
#2. DON’T BE A JERK
Wait until you’re asked to provide information and documentation — and, needless to say, provide it — before politely asking if you can explain your side of things. If you act like a jerk, expect no favors. In addition, asking, “’Why did you stop me?” is like calling the officer a liar. You weren’t picked at random, so implying there was no reason to stop you questions the officer’s integrity. “To me, that’s a dick thing to do,” Officer Jamie says. He then related this exchange he once had with a perp:
Driver: What the f*ck are you stopping me for?
Officer Jamie: Sir, speeding.
Driver: Are you f*cking kidding me? I was doing 75 mph!
Officer Jamie: Sir, actually it was 76 mph, past a marked police car, which you were tailgating.
Driver: 76 mph? You stopped me for doing one mile over the limit? Tailgating? You were going too slow! You’re a fucking assh*le!!!
Officer Jamie: Sir, the speed limit is 50 mph, so you were doing 26 miles over the limit.
Driver: Really? Well I just moved here from New Jersey where its 75 mph. Oh, and you’re still an assh*le!
Officer Jamie: Thank you sir, I enjoy compliments. And welcome to New York!
#3. NEVER MENTION QUOTAS
Quotas are demands put on officers to issue a certain number of speeding tickets every month in order to guarantee a certain amount of revenue. At least, that’s what people believe — cops don’t exactly admit to their existence, and they’re downright illegal in many states. “I’m happy to say that I have never encountered [quotas] in my department,” Officer Jaime tells us. “That being said, it wouldn’t surprise me if some departments had productivity goals.” Basically, if you get a cop who has a quota, she’s going to issue you a ticket. If she has no quota, she’s going to be pissed you’re accusing her of having one and issue you a ticket. See where this is going?
#4. DON’T FLIRT
No matter how smokin’ hot you think you are, using it to influence the person pulling you over is probably a terrible idea. “I’ve had women try to flirt and act sexy,” Officer Jamie admits. “It makes me assume they’ve gotten away with it before, and so I come down harder on them.” Naturally we asked him for a sexy story. “One time I approached a car on the passenger side and the driver didn’t know I was there. I watched her unbutton her blouse to her naval, then hike up her skirt and pull her underwear up, preparing for my arrival. I told her she was wasting her time and to fix her clothes. Then she showed up in court dressed like a Times Square hooker and did the same thing for the judge. It didn’t work with him, either.”