The Ultimate Action-Hero
Showdown: Day 4
It’s Day 4 of March Madness: The Maddening — a tournament matching up the most kick-ass action heroes ever to see who kicks the most ass.
By Eric Alt
DAY 4: THE FIRST ROUND OF THE FORD REGIONAL
(Click on the bracket for a closer look.)
“Snake … why’d it have to be Snake?” Dr. Jones curses his luck as he wearily steps into the ring — but it turns out that Snake is fighting more than one battle today. He also has tiny implanted bombs in his bloodstream. Or maybe it’s a deadly flu. Or … well, whatever it is, something bad was injected into him and he knows he only has a few hours to get it out. After the pair trade suspiciously loud blows, the fight comes to an end once Indy realizes he has two things to his advantage: A bullwhip and an opponent with no depth perception.
WINNER: INDIANA JONES
Just as the fantasy bad boys are about to square off, a tussle in the crowd erupts into a full-scale riot when an usher mistakenly refers to an Elvish cloak as a Jedi robe. Amid the chaos, Aragorn takes the opportunity to handsomely brood at the camera in a way that makes male fan boys in attendance feel tingly in their pants. Seeing this, Han takes the opportunity to shoot first.
WINNER: HAN SOLO
To prove to Sarah that he’s not screwing around, El Mariachi shows up with a guitar case full of guns. Thing is, Sarah shows up with a coffin full of guns. The two combatants engage in the traditional “glaring through sweaty bangs” stare down before unloading clip after clip on each other with the main result mainly being collateral-damage explosion porn. The musical vengeance-seeker makes his fatal mistake when he reaches for his actual guitar and strums Connor a love ballad. She responds by jabbing a pen through his neck.
WINNER: SARAH CONNOR
Dutch warily approaches his Cajun opponent, knowing that a guy who can punch out a venomous snake (if for some reason you’ve never seen Hard Target, we’re not making that up — he knocks a snake unconscious with his fist) is not to be taken lightly. That said … Chance was apparently named after a French Quarter stripper, so how tough can he be? Not wanting to take any chances, Dutch constructs a series of elaborate traps designed specifically to snag and neutralize bayou-dwelling Cajuns. The bait: fried Gator meat, a new pair of denim overalls, and a coupon for three free speech therapy classes. It works like a charm.
WINNER: DUTCH SCHAEFER