The Amazing Zombie Diet!
Yes, Zombies love brains. But is the brain really the smartest part of the human body for them — or you — to eat?
By Zack Zeigler
BRAINS
DR. STOPPANI SAYS: “Zombies are typically depicted as slow creatures, which means they’d be looking for slow-burning energy. Since the brain is high in fat and glucose (sugar), that makes it the perfect food. For a human with a limited food supply, the brain isn’t a bad choice, either. You need the energy and have no idea when the f*ck you’ll eat again, so taste and texture shouldn’t matter.”
LIVER AND KIDNEYS
DR. STOPPANI SAYS: “Whether you’re a zombie or a human, you don’t want the sh*t that’s been filtering through the liver going into your body — there’s a ton of chemicals inside that won’t taste good. Apply the same rule for the kidneys. They filter what’s leaving your body, opposed to the liver which filters what goes into your bloodstream; it’s in your best interest to stay away from both.”
MUSCLE (BUTT, BICEPS, LEGS, ETC.)
DR. STOPPANI SAYS: “Since Zombies aren’t living beings, they don’t need to rebuild tissue — that puts protein at the bottom of the priority list. For humans, protein is a necessity. Start by eating the bigger muscle groups like the legs and glutes (butt) that will provide larger, meatier portions before moving to the forearms, biceps, or calves.”
PENIS
DR. STOPPANI SAYS: “There’s a few reasons as to why I wouldn’t want to eat this, but the main one would be that it’s porous tissue with little to no nutritional value. Your dick has a bunch of caverns in there so it can fill up with blood; think of it like a sponge — a sponge that won’t help you stay alive very long if human-you or zombie-you needed to eat it for food.”
EYEBALLS
DR. STOPPANI SAYS: “There’s an acidic vitreous solution inside of eyeballs that can make humans sick if it’s ingested. You’d probably puke if you ate one, and if you’re on the run from a pack of zombies that could slow you down and leave you vulnerable. Zombies won’t find eating them worthwhile, either. Who knows, though. Maybe eyeballs are like candy to them, like a Cadbury Creme Egg.”
FINGERS, TOES, EARS
DR. STOPPANI SAYS: “These are basically like table scraps. Your hands and toes are made mostly of bone, which your body won’t digest. The ears are predominantly cartilage. There’s no reason for either party to bother eating these parts.”
The brain is a dense, non-toxic energy source that would burn slowly for sustained energy, so it’s perfect.
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