The 12 Dumbest Petitions at WhiteHouse.gov
These WhiteHouse.gov petitions will inspire you to start a petition to prevent the morons who signed them from signing any more petitions.
By ModernMan Editors
Thanks to the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, we can assemble, protest, and petition our government without having riot police crack our skulls with batons. But doing all of that in person takes too much time and effort (why do you think Occupy Wall Street fizzled so quickly?). Congregating on the Internet is much easier and cheaper to control, so the Obama administration created We the People, an online petition website dedicated to allowing people to vent their frustrations about the federal government’s policy decisions. If a single petition gains more than 25,000 signatures it earns a response from the White House.
Since America is perfect and we’re not communist freedom haters, we’ve never started a We the People petition. But we’ve checked them all out. Some call for Congress to compromise on the fiscal cliff, or to add funds to NASA’s budget, and to rethink “Stand Your Ground” laws. Others request totally plausible things like granting states permission to succeed from the Union. The thing is, the succession petitions — all 50 of them — don’t seem as moronic when you compare them to some of the other gems we found …
1. “Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.”
We have a bad feeling about this. Why? Because it’d be a huge waste of taxpayer dollars — Death Stars cost a fortune, yet are ridiculously easy to destroy.
2. “Provide university graduates ability to trade their diplomas back for 100% tuition refunds.”
Can they also trade back all the sex, drugs, and booze they had when they were students for credits for more sex, drugs, and booze?
3. “Build a statue of Master Chief Petty Officer Spartan John 117 on the White House lawn”
Master Chief is one of the most decorated war veterans in the United Nations Space Command. But if a statue is being erected (heh heh) on the White House lawn, we obviously want it to be of
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter RoboCop.
4. “Uninstall Obama — meaning remove Barack Hussein Obama, his appointed government leaders, & failed policies from America.”
“Uninstall?” The President isn’t an app on your smartphones, smarties.
5. “Nationalize the Twinkie industry”
Socialism at its most delicious!
6. “Have the President to attend a Fark.com party. If scheduling does not permit, at least have a beer with Drew Curtis”
Hey, we’re a website that would party with the President? And we’d discuss the important issues with him — like the best toilets to pee in, the coolest holiday gifts, and the best tactics for having threesomes.