As a slighly-insane-but-decently-hot-with-makeup female with no criminal record and a hankering for ’90s action films, I shouldn’t be single. But I am, and I am single because you are clueless.
Sure, you’re able to iron your button-downs and step out freshly shaved on a Friday night. But you’re also a clueless minnow in a sea of girls who are totally willing to make you breakfast in your college sweatshirt if you just text us back. You see, the secret to girls is that we are not all that complicated. (At least not at first. Later we’ll go all crazy and get mad when you don’t buy our favorite mustard brand, but that doesn’t happen till we’re in a relationship.) All you need to do is rethink your approach. Because chances are, you’re doing it wrong.
But it’s okay, because I’m here to tell you what you’re screwing up and how you can fix it. Oh, did I mention how nice you look in that ironed button-down?