12 Totally Demented Christmas Songs
You know all those Christmas songs about peace, love, and goofy reindeer? Turns out they’re actually about murder, blackmail, and terrorism!
By Matt Christensen
After doing some investigation … and overanalyzing … we’ve concluded that Christmas songs are, in fact, totally demented. They pretend to be about the most wonderful time of the year when in reality they’re about murder, blackmail, racism, and sexual deviance. Take a look for yourself and maybe you’ll think twice before singing along to
Racist White Christmas outside your poor neighbor’s front door.
Hey, kids! If you’re different in any way you’ll be shunned unless you prove your worth — and the way to do that is with your physical appearance. If Rudolph had gotten lost in the fog, don’t think for a second he wouldn’t have been right back in the doghouse (reindeerhouse?) playing snow solitaire.
Song: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
“She’d been drinking too much eggnog,
And we begged her not to go,
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.
When we found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack,
She had hoof-prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.”
There’s a Lohanian amount of messed-up sh*t going on here: Binge drinking, pill popping, a hit-and-run, and a physical assault on a confused old lady by a big fat guy.
You know that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Ark opens and the main Nazi dude in the leather coat has his face melted off? Well, this song is basically that except instead of Indy watching (fine, technically he had his eyes closed) a lousy Nazi get pwned by divine wrath, this is about children watching their wonderful new best friend melt to death.
Song: Joy To The World
“No more will sin and sorrow grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground.
He’ll come and make the blessings flow,
Far as the curse was found.”
This 1719 classic first paints a totally bleak picture of the world, then promises it’ll all be better one day. Well, it’s been nearly 300 years since this total downer was written, and in that time we’ve endured lots of wars, a few tsunamis, boy bands, Outsourced, New Coke, and, of course, Balloon Boy. Haven’t we suffered enough?