When we were kids, we thought Christmas songs were wholesome. After all, we sang them at school recitals and our grandparents played them on the Victrola. But boy, were we wrong. After doing some investigation … and overanalyzing … we’ve concluded that Christmas songs are, in fact, totally demented. They pretend to be about the most wonderful time of the year when in reality they’re about murder, blackmail, racism, and sexual deviance. Take a look for yourself and maybe you’ll think twice before singing along to
Racist White Christmas outside your poor neighbor’s front door.
Song #1: Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
“Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you’ll go down in history!
Hey, kids! If you’re different in any way you’ll be shunned unless you prove your worth — and the way to do that is with your physical appearance. If Rudolph had gotten lost in the fog, don’t think for a second he wouldn’t have been right back in the doghouse (reindeerhouse?) playing snow solitaire.
Next: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer